Sometimes the most simple memories…
Are the ones that touch us most.
I think back to our relationship and it dawns on me….
Although I enjoyed it, my favorite memories aren’t of us ‘making out’, or anything of that nature as most would assume of me. My favorite memories are of just being near you. One night in particular comes to mind…S.D.
A picnic…non-alcoholic champagne (I still can’t believe the trouble I had trying to buy that!!!! LOL)… 4 DOZEN ROSES!!!! Then going to Starbucks and causing a scene…without even meaning to or trying to for once!!!!
And finally down to the lakefront –sigh- If I had to pick…that would have to be my favorite part of the night. Just sitting there with you in the darkness…with the water laping at the shore…the stars high above-the sky crystal clear. I remember so clearly the feel of you in my arms….you sitting in my lap with your arms around me (No you weren’t ‘crushing’ me!!! You’re not big enough to ‘crush’ me!!! Lol). I really really liked that. We were cuddled up so nicely…we seemed to fit so perfectly together. It startled me at first when you climbed into my lap…it was so out of character for you. Trust me though!!!! I got over my shock fast and was instantly at ease and felt very VERY special!!! Because it was so out of character…I knew I was being priviledged…and if what you said to me was true….! A connection like that never dies. Perhaps I’m thinking too much again…but then again, perhaps I’m not. I can only hope. Hope that you have come to understand me at least a little bit. Recent events cause me to think that perhaps you have….but I still hope. Please know that no matter what…I’m here for you. You know where and how to find me! I’m a creature of habit
And also…no matter what…I meant what I said. “When I said that I loved you I meant that I’d love you forever. And it’s the only thing I wanna do. So I’m gonna keep on lovin you…” I’m not sure if you realize…this feeling terrifies me! I love you. I’ve never loved anybody this strongly before. I did what I did…“hid who I was dating”(in your words! Really…I just didn’t mention it…cuz it never came up.)…. I started dating this person because I thought you didn’t love me anymore. And now I’ve made a bit of a mess of things…haven’t I??? Yes…I have. However, if you told me that there was even a tad bit of hope (perhaps I’m holding on to something foolishly-I hope not)… I’d wait for you forever. We talked this through somewhat…why it didn’t work…and I understand. As I said…hope…and I’d wait forever. LOL It dawns on me that this subject really truly is completely out of my hands!!!! You hold my heart and my heart seems to refuse to let go. I trie to act as if you breakin it off didn’t matter to me…but in truth…it did…it does. I say all of this not begging, whining, or such…but just as a ‘so you know’ kinda thing. I am still here and still love you. That’s all. You can ignore the rest…just know that I love you
Sometimes the most simple memories…
Are the ones that touch us deepest.
So many I could choose from….
A lot has happened in my life in a relatively short period of time. School…jobs…friends…love…cars…appartments…graduation…Marines. Hmmm….thinkin bout the last…I’m not quite sure what to say. July 24th. Many people have given me their advice, feelings, and opinions on the matter. Most say ‘Congratulations’ ‘Good luck’ or laugh and say ‘You’re crazy!’ Eh. It’s all good I suppose. When I told my father that I was joining the Military…it was the first time I could/can remember him telling me with any kind of sincerity that he was ‘proud’ of me!!!! You better believe I started crying!!! How pathetic. Yet…as much as I needed to hear him tell me he was proud of me for something(anything)…there’s someone else I need to hear something from as well. They haven’t told me they were proud of me…perhaps because they aren’t? I’m not sure. When I ‘discussed’ it with them…they simply said ‘Congrats’. Nothing more…nothing less. And still I wonder what else they think about the subject. Are they proud of me? Or are they mad at me for enlisting without asking their opinion first? Are they sad I’m leaving? Or happy to be rid of me? Will they come down to the station with me on that day, hug me tightly, and watch me go…knowing full well that I will come back to them? Or will I be seeing myself off on July 24th? If I give them the address…will they write to me during basic? Or use it as an excuse to cut contact? And if I gave them money to buy plane tickets, would they come to my graduation? Or refuse the money and stay home on that day? Hmmm…..I don’t know any of the answers to these questions. I could pri guess at one or two of them, but time has taught me not to assume anything. I must be told everything. (As much as I want to believe this….I know it’s not true!!! My paranoia assumes many things! Lol Does this make me hypocritical?)
Sometimes the most simple memories…
Are the ones that effect us most.
And it all goes up in flames...
hehehe
